Experiencing Anger
Anger is experienced differently by everyone, but common signs include an increased heart rate, muscle tension, a flushed face, rapid breathing, shaking or trembling, confusion or "blanking out," and an upset stomach.
Anger can distort our thinking, impair decision-making, and lead to impulsive actions. It can also create tunnel vision, narrowing our focus and making it hard to imagine peaceful resolutions or other perspectives.
When I'm angry, I feel like I’m transported to another place. My sense of being grounded disappears, and I feel detached from the calm, reasonable person I usually am. I can't think clearly, and I become unreasonable. If I’m not careful, I can easily get caught up in the rush of anger, falling deeper and deeper into it.
I recently learned that anger triggers a dopamine release in the brain, similar to the way addictive behaviors do. This explains why giving in to anger can feel so satisfying in the moment. However, it’s important to recognize that the consequences of unchecked anger are rarely constructive, and that lasting growth comes from responding to it with more thoughtfulness and self-control.
The Anger Iceberg
Anger is often easy to spot, but the Anger Iceberg encourages us to dig deeper. It suggests that anger is just the visible tip of the iceberg, with deeper emotional issues hidden beneath the surface. To understand what’s really going on, we need to be curious and explore the emotions behind the anger. The Anger Iceberg helps us recognize the underlying feelings fueling our behaviors.
If the iceberg analogy doesn’t resonate, you can think of anger as a window or doorway to discovering other emotions. When we feel angry, it can be a signal from our body, inviting us to explore and identify the deeper feelings that need attention.
Emotions That May Lie Beneath Our Anger:
Frustration, hopelessness, disappointment, pain, feeling ignored, resentment, jealousy, loneliness, fear, embarrassment, rejection, exhaustion, overstimulation, abandonment, discomfort, grief, insecurity, shame, and more.
Why Do We Sometimes Convert Other Emotions into Anger?
Many reasons! Some common reasons include:
Emotions like fear or hurt are often expressed as anger because, unlike fear, anger gives us a sense of control and dominance in a challenging situation.
As a defense mechanism, anger shields us from vulnerability, pain, or humiliation by redirecting our focus and creating the illusion of agency, which can make us feel empowered.
When our sadness is unacknowledged or misunderstood, it can transform into anger. In these moments, anger may arise as an attempt to draw attention to our struggles or signal that we need support.
What are some things I can do when I experience anger?
Thank Your Body for Signaling that Something is Wrong
Anger can act as a cue that something needs to be addressed, and it may be your body’s way of asking you to pay attention. While this may not resonate with everyone, I find it helpful to express gratitude for these signals and thank my body for communicating its needs to me.
When we feel anger, we have an opportunity to explore the emotions behind it, which helps us understand why we're angry and find healthier ways to release it. It’s also a chance to learn more about ourselves - how we cope with emotions now and how we can develop healthier coping strategies in the future. Slowing down our thoughts and reactions during moments of anger can be difficult, but it’s an important step in managing it more effectively.
Validate, Don’t Suppress, the Anger
Anger itself is not the problem. There are many things in the modern world that deserve our anger. It's also a natural defense that protects our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, helping us understand our boundaries. Regardless of the cause, you have a right to be angry, but how we handle that anger matters. We should aim to understand it, stay aware of it, and find ways to manage and channel it constructively. If we suppress our anger, it can express itself in harmful or distorted ways. Accepting our anger and making mindful, informed decisions about how to express it is key.
Remember: Anger & Aggression Are Not the Same
Anger often gets a bad reputation because it's associated with violence and hate. However, it's important to remember that emotion and behavior are different. When anger arises, we have choices in how we respond, and aggression is just one option. With practice, we can learn to express our needs and frustrations constructively, without resorting to outbursts or violence. While anger can feel overwhelming, we have the power to decide how we act. It's possible to experience and express anger in ways we can be proud of.
Anger can also be a powerful motivator. Behind anger often lies determination, care, and the desire to protect. Anger can help us find our passion, pursue our goals, and stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. Instead of letting anger build up, we can channel its energy in productive and meaningful ways.
Search Below the Iceberg
Take your time to explore the underlying feelings driving your anger. Be curious about what other emotions might be at play. You may discover that you're more hurt or scared than angry. Like an iceberg, emotions often have hidden depths, and what’s beneath the surface is just as important as what’s visible.
Address & Nurture the Underlying Emotions
Addressing the underlying emotion can often make a significant difference. By examining the connections between emotions and reactions, we can better understand the root causes of our anger and develop healthier ways to express ourselves. This not only benefits our well-being but also strengthens our relationships. Conflict resolution becomes much easier when we can identify the true emotions at play.
Consider & Address What Might Have Triggered/Activated You
Recognizing a trigger can reduce its impact. Being aware of your triggers can allow you to take more control over your reactions and lead a more intentional and controlled life. It can help you disrupt unhealthy patterns and empower you to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.
Positive Self-Talk
Much of our anger comes from the stories we tell ourselves about a situation, rather than the situation itself or what others did. When emotions are involved, it’s hard to stay objective. There have been times where I have driven myself to anger as a means of justifying negative behavior. The way we speak to ourselves plays a significant role in how we behave, making positive self-talk essential.
https://blog.zencare.co/anger-iceberg/
https://www.newhoperanch.com/blog/understanding-anger-as-a-secondary-emotion/
https://eggshelltherapy.com/repressed-anger/#Notice_Anger_Displacement
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/culture-shrink/201508/angers-allure-are-you-addicted-anger