Understanding Grief and Loss: Finding Support Through Connection

Grief and loss are experiences we all encounter at some point in life. However, when they happen, it can feel like the world is caving in. Many people instinctively withdraw, believing they need to handle their grief on their own. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation—it's through connection, sharing, and support that we begin to find our way forward.

The Stages of Grief: It’s Not a Linear Path

Grief is often described in stages, though everyone’s journey is different. The most well-known model is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages don’t unfold in a neat, predictable order. You might find yourself bouncing between them.

• Denial often helps protect you from the overwhelming shock of the loss.
• Anger surfaces as an expression of the pain, which may feel easier than sadness.
• Bargaining reflects a need to regain control, with thoughts like, “If only I had done this differently.”
• Depression comes when the weight of the loss fully sinks in, leading to deep sadness and sometimes withdrawal.
• Acceptance is about learning to live with the loss, though it doesn’t mean you stop feeling the pain.
  

Grief isn’t a tidy process, and that’s okay. Where are you in this continuum? Have you noticed yourself experiencing moments of anger, sadness, or even acceptance? Understanding that these emotions are part of a normal process can help you make sense of your journey.

Healing Takes Time: Society’s Unrealistic Expectations

A common question people ask is, “How long should grieving take?” The truth is, there’s no set timeline for grief. Society tends to pressure us to "move on" quickly, often offering limited time before expecting us to return to normal routines. But grief doesn’t work that way.

Everyone’s grieving process is unique. For some, it may take months, while for others, the process could last years. Society’s expectations can make it difficult to give yourself permission to take the time you need. It’s important to remember that grief has no expiration date. You don’t have to rush through it or pretend you’re okay before you are ready. The goal is not to "get over" it, but to integrate the loss into your life in a way that allows you to move forward.

From Traumatic Wound to Cherished Wound

At first, grief often feels like a deep, traumatic wound. The pain can be raw and overwhelming, and it’s hard to imagine ever healing from it. But over time, this traumatic wound can transform into what is called a cherished wound. A cherished wound is a reminder of the loss you’ve experienced, but it’s not something that constantly bleeds. Instead, it becomes a part of you—a marker of the love or connection you had. While the loss still brings sadness, it’s also a cherished part of your story, reflecting the significance of what or who you lost.

The journey from traumatic to cherished wound isn’t easy, but it’s possible. By sharing your feelings, reflecting on your experience, and finding meaning in your grief, you can move toward a space where the wound no longer holds you back but instead becomes a reminder of the love and connection that shaped you.

The Importance of Connection in Healing

While grief may drive you to isolate, healing often happens in connection with others. Talking about your loss—whether with friends, family, or a counselor—allows you to process your emotions and feel supported. You can also explore the experiences of others who have been through grief. By asking others about their losses and how they coped, you may discover comfort in knowing you're not alone. It also reminds you that while grief is unique, it’s also universal.

There are other creative ways to externalize your grief. You could keep a journal to track your thoughts and feelings. Writing about your memories, regrets, and hopes can be a therapeutic outlet. You might also watch films that focus on loss and grief, such as Terms of Endearment or Ordinary People. These stories can provide perspective and validation, showing that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

Grief changes shape over time, but it never truly disappears. Rather than trying to “move on,” the goal is to move forward, carrying the memory of what was lost with you in a way that honors it. Your grief doesn’t define you, but it is a part of your journey. Sharing your experience, rather than going through it alone, opens the door to healing.

No matter how long it takes, know that your grief is valid, and you don’t have to rush the process. Through connection and self-compassion, you can turn your traumatic wound into a cherished wound, a part of you that speaks to the depth of your love and loss.