Wellness Blog
Associate Therapist, Léa Chung
If you’ve experienced trauma, you might find yourself needing to control everything around you—whether it's your schedule, your surroundings, or even how others behave. At times, it can feel like the only way to stay safe. But why is this urge to control so strong for many trauma survivors? Let’s dive into the reasons and explore ways to start releasing the grip of control in a healthier, more compassionate way.
Trauma often involves events where we feel completely powerless, like life is happening to us, and we have no say in what’s going on. In response to this, many people develop a need to control things as a way of regaining a sense of safety. Imagine you're trying to build a protective shield against anything unpredictable that could trigger those old, painful feelings of helplessness. Control becomes the shield.
However, the urge to control things isn't just about safety—it’s also about managing the overwhelming uncertainty that trauma leaves behind. When things don’t go as expected, it can bring up memories or emotions tied to the trauma, and that can feel overwhelming. Controlling as many variables as possible seems like a way to avoid those feelings.
People who have lived through trauma may also experience something called hypervigilance, where they are constantly on the lookout for danger or threats, even when none are present. This heightened state of awareness can make any unexpected change feel like a potential danger. When you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the unknown can be terrifying. Controlling what you can seems like a natural way to prevent anything bad from happening again.
But here’s the catch—life is full of uncertainty. Even the most organized, prepared person can't control everything. And trying to maintain rigid control can actually lead to more stress, anxiety, and strained relationships.
For trauma survivors, control often serves as a form of avoidance. By keeping everything in order, you can avoid reminders of the traumatic event or prevent situations that might bring up painful emotions. But while this strategy might work temporarily, it often leads to greater emotional distress in the long run. Life becomes narrower, and there’s less room for joy, spontaneity, or connection with others.
So how do you start loosening the grip of control while still feeling safe? The first step is to acknowledge where this need is coming from. Recognizing that your desire for control is rooted in past trauma, rather than anything happening in the present, can help you separate the two.
Practicing mindfulness can also help. By staying present with your thoughts and emotions without judgment, you can start to gently challenge the belief that controlling everything is necessary for your safety. You might find that even when things don’t go as planned, you’re still okay. Developing self-compassion is key, too—learning to be kind to yourself, even when things feel out of control.
Additionally, opening up to trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide a sense of support and safety. Letting others in may feel vulnerable, but it can also be incredibly healing. Trusting that not everything needs to be controlled—and that you can still handle what comes your way—can be empowering.
If you’ve been relying on control as a way to cope with past trauma, know that you’re not alone. It’s a natural response, but it doesn’t have to define your life. By gradually releasing the need for control, you create space for more freedom, connection, and peace in your life. And remember, healing takes time. Be patient with yourself as you take these steps.
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