Showing Yourself Compassion

Compassion is something that many people practice for others, but are unfamiliar with practicing for themselves. Self-compassion can be difficult to evoke for many people as they have had to be self-reliant and independent. It can be hard to trust a softer emotion. We are our own worst critics, often disparaging ourselves as we know all the things we do wrong. We are less clear on how to fix those things. Often, the first step is allowing ourselves to acknowledge the pain we are inflicting on ourselves. Criticizing and telling ourselves we should be stronger, or we should be doing things in a better way forgets that we are human. We make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes, and then we make the same ones again. It is part of the human experience.

Acknowledging our pain is only the first step. Finding out where it’s coming from is more complicated. There can be many reasons a person is self-reliant to the point of pain. There are many reasons why we criticize ourselves and ruminate on what we should have, could have done differently. We don’t need to know where all our pain comes from in order to show ourselves compassion.

Compassion is a feeling that arises in witnessing another's suffering and that [feeling] motivates a subsequent desire to help (Goetz, Keltner & Simon-Thomas, 2010). We do not want others to suffer needlessly. We don’t want ourselves to suffer needlessly. So when we are attacking ourselves, we need to slow down and ask ourselves if we want to continue criticizing, or if we want some compassion and care instead.

It’s not an easy process, to be compassionate with ourselves. Showing ourselves compassion by caring for our pain. Too bad that compassion is a necessity for living a healthy life. Compassion doesn’t mean feeling what others are feeling. It means to show care and consideration for a person in pain. That person can be anyone, including yourself. To be compassionate is to recognize pain, feel care and warmth and have a desire to help the person in pain. This last point, a desire to help those in pain is what differentiates compassion from empathy. People often feel empathetic for others, but it is an uncomfortable feeling that is shied away from. You might feel empathy for someone living on the street, but you feel compassion if you want to help them.

Often we don’t recognize that we are in pain, and we deny ourselves compassion. We are our own worst critics, and we have been conditioned not to accept help from others. To engage in compassion we need to not only feel care for the person in pain but also be willing to accept that care. Often it’s easy to be compassionate to others. We want to help, and to support the other person, but it’s harder to accept that compassion for ourselves. It’s harder to accept it from other people around us, and sometimes completely impossible to accept it from ourselves.

So how do we incorporate compassion into our lives? The Berkley university suggests this 10-minute writing exercise. If writing isn’t your thing, then the following tips might be for you.

• Look for commonalities. Try to find points of common ground with others. It’s not always easy to see similarities, but it’s usually quite easy to see differences. Seeing that we all have strengths and flaws allows us to see that in ourselves.
• Believe in your own strength to do good. If we believe we can change the world for the better, we are more likely to show ourselves and others compassion.
• Write or talk about what you are grateful for. Showing ourselves good, allows us to see the good things that we bring to the world. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be held accountable, but we temper the bad with all the good we put into the world

Nurturing yourself with self-compassion allows you to become a stronger person. It gives you the confidence to understand yourself, and to forgive yourself. It allows you to purge the poison of self-doubt, and anger. If you need help giving yourself compassion, ask someone else to give you that permission and accept your trusted family member or friend to give you a compassionate judgement. Allow yourself to accept their compassion until you can give it to yourself.

References

Davis, T. (2024, January, 9). How to develop compassion. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202304/how-to-develop-compassion

DeMarco, M. (2023, July, 1)Compassion is more than nicenes.The new science on human goodness.Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/human-inner-dynamics/202402/the-challenge-with-self-compassion

Goetz J.L., Keltner D., & Simon-Thomas E. (2010, May) Compassion: an evolutionary analysis and empirical review. Psychol Bull.136(3):351-74. doi: 10.1037/a0018807.
Hill, D. (2023, April, 10). What Are the Benefits of Compassion?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/from-striving-to-thriving/202304/what-are-the-benefits-of-compassion

Ratson , M. (2024, September 19). The power of compassion. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-wisdom-of-anger/202402/the-power-of-compassion

Sansone, R. A., & Sansone, L. A. (2010). Gratitude and well being: The benefits of appreciation. Psychiatry, 7(11), 18–22.

Zacki, J. (2016). Kindness contagion: Witnessing kindness inspires kindness, causing it to spread like a virus. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/kindness-contagion/