Self-Compassion

We have all had at least one no good, very bad day. The kind of day where you sleep through your alarm, you spill your coffee (usually on yourself), you can’t find your keys when you are already late, and that inner voice starts to pipe up. “Who loses their keys? You’re so dumb”. That voice that loves to kick you when you are already down, making us feel anxious or tense. 

We like to think that a healthy dose of self criticism will keep us humble or motivate us to be the person that we want to be, but it can actually be quite harmful. The things we say to ourselves, we would never say to a friend or loved one who was having a bad day, so why would we say them to ourselves? How can we be kinder to ourselves? By showing yourself some compassion. 

What is self compassion? Self-compassion is a consistent attitude of kindness and acceptance of all aspects of our self: our strengths, our weaknesses, our successes, and our failures. It acknowledges our suffering and responds to that suffering with kindness, understanding, caring, and concern. Self-compassion can increase our motivation and emotional resilience, improve our body image and boost our happiness and optimism.

Here are several ways to cultivate self-compassion and begin to be a better friend to yourself:

• Acknowledge when you’re suffering and give yourself encouragement. What advice would you give to a friend? Remind yourself that you can ask for help if you need it. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

• Be aware of your self-talk. You may not realize how often you criticize and judge yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts and the words you use to speak about yourself. Would you talk this way to someone you care about?

• Comfort your body. There are quick and easy ways to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (the part of your nervous system that helps your body relax) by eating or drinking something you enjoy, taking a walk, deep breathing, or humming and singing.

• Remember that no one is perfect and you’re not alone in your suffering. Imperfection is part of the human experience. Especially with social media we can get caught up in this idea that there are people out there that live these perfect lives. But that’s not true. This type of thinking can leave us feeling inadequate or isolated. 

• Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental observation of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions without trying to change or deny them. It is being fully present and aware of where you are and what you’re doing, and not being overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s happening within and around you. If you don’t acknowledge that you’re having a moment of suffering or you’re ignoring your pain, then you miss out on an opportunity to treat yourself with compassion. Practicing mindfulness can help you retrain your brain so that self-compassion becomes your automatic response on those no good, very bad days.