Hyper Self-Reliance

Does this sound familiar? You don’t allow anyone to pay for you at cafés or restaurants. You make sure that if you are always kind to others, but you never allow them to pay you back. If you help them move, you don’t expect them to help you move, in fact, you refuse any help offered. You are there for others but you resist others being there for you. 

If that sounds like you, you might be suffering from hyper-self-reliance. Hyper self-reliance can be a trauma response. Sometime in the past, you have learned that you have no one else but yourself to rely upon so you do everything yourself. You have an unconscious belief that others will not be able to help you as the people that you have trusted to show up for you in the past, didn’t. You learned if you want something you have to do it yourself. 

This hyper-self-reliance can also lead to burnout. Burnout is caused when someone is putting all their energy into someone, or something and isn’t receiving anything back from it. This doesn’t only have to be in relationships or friendships. It can also apply to work, school and other significant time endeavours. If you are putting your heart and soul into something and you aren’t getting anything back, you might be on the fast track to burnout. 

This attitude of self-reliance isn’t necessarily a problem, but it can hurt your relationships with others as most people enjoy engaging in reciprocal relationships. To always be on the receiving end of generosity is nice, but if it feels one-sided most people will feel the relationship to be unequal and will want to distance themselves as they feel rejected by the person who is unwilling to accept reciprocity. That feeling of constant rejection, and dependency on another person is generally unwelcome. 

What happens if someone is completely comfortable allowing you to pay for things, and be generous without any recompense? Barring extenuating circumstances where that person is at a disadvantage financially, it’s likely that that person is a ‘taker’. They likely enjoy spending time with you simply because they know you will be there for them and they have no responsibility or obligation to give back to you. They know you will reject any of their attempts to give you anything, so not only do they not feel guilty about taking advantage of you, but you condone it. 

Getting into relationships with people who are takers is also difficult. They will expect you to shoulder the load of emotional labour and likely financial, and other labour in the relationship. The people who are attracted to the hyper-reliant are those who can be selfish in their behaviour.

What kind of person are you attracting? Are you letting people who want to help and support you into your life, or are you allowing your hyper-reliance to choose people who are selfish in their desires and won’t be there for you when you need them?