Helping Parents Support Children and Youth Who Self-Harm

Knowing or suspecting that your child is self-harming can be confusing and scary. Its important to know that while self-harming behaviours are complex, they are also misunderstood. 

Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences. Some people have described self-harm as a way to: 

• Change emotional pain into physical pain

• Reduce overwhelming emotions or thoughts

• Feel more in control

• Escape traumatic memories

• Punish themselves for their feelings and experiences

• disconnect or dissociate 

Emotional regulation is the most typical function of self-harm. Those who self-injure often describe the feeling of calm that rushes over them after they self-injure.

In the last several years, helping professionals have begun to understand that these behaviours are not done with suicidal intent, but rather, they have many other functions. Common Functions of self harm include:

• Influencing emotional regulation

• Helping to reduce suicidal ideation

• Reinforcing beliefs that lead to punishing themselves or being angry with themselves

• Seeking nurturance and/or pleasant sensations

As a parent, finding out that your child is self-harming can be difficult to accept and it is okay to feel powerless, anxious, and upset. This can be something very difficult to address with your child, but there are ways that you can support them.

Offer them emotional support

• showing them you’re there whenever and however they choose to talk

• listening and not asking too many questions about why they've self-harmed, too many questions may make them feel like they are being judged

• letting them know that you care about them and want to help them find healthier ways to cope

• reassuring them it’s OK to be honest with you about what they’re going through. 

Focus on what's causing the self-harm

• It can be more helpful to focus on what’s causing their feelings rather than on the self-harm itself.

• Seek professional emotional support for your child through a school counsellor or other mental health professional

• Hiding or taking away something a child is using to self-harm can lead to them finding other ways to hurt themselves. You could try asking your child what would be most helpful for them. Let them know they can tell you when they feel they want to hurt themselves.

• Any serious injuries should be treated right away in a hospital.

Encourage them to find healthy ways to cope

• Paint or draw

• hold an ice cube in their hand until it melts

• write down their negative feelings, then rip the paper up

• listen to music or play an instrument

• punch or scream into a pillow

• talk to friends or family

• exercise

• watch their favourite funny film.

Help them to build their confidence

• Remind them about the things they do well

• Learn something new and do it together

• Writing a list of all the things that make you proud of your child and giving it to them. Try to focus on things about their personality rather than things like their academic achievements or sporting abilities.