Codependency can be crippling to any relationship. This is a maladaptive relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of the giver or the caretaker, and the other person assumes the role of the taker or receiver. This can happen within any sort of relationship including a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family dynamic, and even the relationship between you and your work.
This sort of bond can be created through many factors. In some cultures it’s normal for one person to take on the role of the care taker in the family. Sometimes parent dynamics model this type of relationship for a child. If someone has experienced the necessity to be hyper-self reliant because they were put in an independent role in their childhood, or if they have been in a parent- like role in their family, co-dependency can be a type of relationship dynamic that they get into when they are older.
Codependent partners often have little to no boundaries because they have learned that having boundaries will only make people dislike them. They are only valued for what they can give others. They have learned that the only way to have relationships is through being in control and giving more than they get back. If they are always giving they will get what they need to survive. This is not an uncommon role for people who have had the world put on their shoulders at a young age. They want to help others and this translates to their relationships with future romantic partners, friends and family members. This type of relationship feels normal to them. They shoulder a huge emotional load.
This isn’t to say that only people with dysfunctional families can fall into codependent relationships. Codependent relationships can arise out of many different scenarios when one partner takes more responsibility than the other by taking over more of the obligations. Typically the partner who is doing more makes excuses for the person doing less. This can be done with the best of intentions and with the wellbeing of the unit in mind, but it still causes problems down the road as it can infantilize the “taker”, and the “giver” will likely neglect their own needs in order to please others.
“Givers” often have little to no boundaries because they have learned that having boundaries will only make people dislike them. They are only valued for what they can give others. They also gain a certain amount of satisfaction from helping others and feeling needed. They can be perfectionists and find it hard to be assertive. They can also struggle to ask for help when they need it. Often when they ask for help the “taker” is unable to provide that assistance and so the “giver” learns to be hyper-self reliant and that they are responsible for everything in their life.
It’s important to note that co-dependency is not a disorder and can be filled with loving and caring behaviour. The only issue is that this behaviour is not reciprocated and therefore creates an unequal, unequitable relationship which can lead to burn out on the part of the “giver”, and resentment on the part of the “taker”. By the “giver” wanting to help rescue the “taker” they actually enable harmful behaviour and end up exhausted leading to increased dissatisfaction with the relationship.
It is a relationship dynamic that can be changed, and one that both givers and takers can amend to cultivate a healthier relationship. Both people have to recognize the dynamic and see that it is unhealthy, and want to change. That is true of any normal mental growth. Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step, but it’s just the first step. Seeing a relationship / family therapist is the next one.